And Here’s Why We Need to Stop Pretending It Is
In recent years, the concept of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) has gained traction.
Open relationships, polyamory, throuples, relationship “anarchy”—whatever the form, the core idea is that multiple romantic or sexual partners can be involved, so long as there’s consent, honesty, and “ethics.”
Sounds noble on paper. But let’s call it what it often is in practice: emotional chaos dressed in progressive, moral language.
Because when you peel back the surface, ethical non-monogamy is rarely ethical—and almost never emotionally sustainable.
1. Consent Doesn’t Automatically Equal Integrity
ENM defenders often lean hard on the idea of consensuality:
“If everyone agrees to it, it’s ethical.”
But consent without clarity is manipulation.
Consent under pressure is coercion.
Consent without full emotional maturity is exploitation.
In many ENM dynamics, one partner is reluctantly agreeing—because they don’t want to lose the other. Or they’re convinced that jealousy is immature, or that exclusivity is outdated.
That’s not mutual empowerment. That’s emotional bargaining.
2. Feelings Are Not As Easily Shared As Bodies
You can schedule intimacy on a calendar.
You can divide time.
You can negotiate rules.
But you can’t regulate emotions.
Jealousy will emerge.
Insecurity will creep in.
Unequal attachment will form.
Someone will always catch deeper feelings than the other intended.
Calling it “ethical” doesn’t prevent heartbreak.
It just gives the illusion that everyone’s mature enough to manage emotions that, by nature, resist control.
3. Someone Always Ends Up Hurt—and Often Silenced
In many ENM arrangements, one person is benefiting more than the other.
Usually, it’s the partner with more options—more attention, more emotional detachment, or more leverage.
The other partner?
They swallow their discomfort.
They get told their pain is “possessiveness.”
They’re coached to “do the work,” read the books, go to therapy, and overcome their “attachment wounds.”
Translation: “If this hurts you, the problem is you—not the system.”
That’s not ethical. That’s gaslighting.
4. It Prioritizes Personal Freedom Over Relational Responsibility
The ENM model glorifies individual autonomy:
“I want to explore.”
“I deserve variety.”
“I shouldn’t be limited.”
But the foundation of any relationship isn’t just personal freedom—it’s mutual commitment.
It’s showing up when it’s not convenient.
It’s building something together, not wandering off and returning when you feel like it.
Ethical non-monogamy often sacrifices long-term stability for short-term novelty. That’s not ethics—it’s escapism.
5. If Everyone Is Special, No One Really Is
Monogamy isn’t about possession—it’s about significance.
It says: Out of everyone, I choose you. And I choose you again, every day.
Not because you’re perfect, but because you’re mine—and I’m yours.
ENM removes the sacredness of exclusivity and replaces it with rotating access.
You can still be kind, honest, even loving—but when love is scattered across multiple people, its depth gets diluted.
In trying to love everyone, you risk truly belonging to no one.
6. The People Who Preach ENM Loudest Often Benefit Most
Let’s be honest: ENM often favors the person with the higher sexual market value, the deeper emotional detachment, or the stronger negotiating power.
It’s typically not the emotionally sensitive partner begging for multiple connections—it’s the one who wants the perks of commitment without the limitations of it.
And in the name of “enlightenment,” many people—especially women—agree to things that hollow them out.
Final Thought:
We live in a culture that romanticizes freedom and fears commitment. And ethical non-monogamy fits that cultural moment perfectly.
But let’s stop pretending it’s some morally evolved alternative to monogamy.
Because if you look beneath the hashtags and the polycule charts, what you often find is pain, confusion, emotional imbalance, and deep loneliness.
What’s ethical isn’t just what’s consensual.
It’s what’s honest, stable, responsible, and selfless.
And no relationship model that leaves one person aching while the other explores is truly ethical—no matter how many books you quote or contracts you draft.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 