It’s one of the most common—and most infuriating—things cheaters say after being caught:
“Maybe if you had paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have done it.”
At first, it sounds like pain. Like hurt. Like someone expressing unmet needs.
But let’s not get it twisted.
What they’re really doing is flipping the script, dodging accountability, and trying to make their betrayal your fault.
1. This Isn’t Vulnerability. It’s Manipulation.
“Maybe you should have paid more attention to me” isn’t a cry for connection. It’s a deflection. A way to avoid saying the harder, truer thing:
“I chose to cheat.”
They want you to focus on what you didn’t do, instead of what they did.
It’s an emotional sleight of hand—using your empathy against you so they can skip the guilt and rush straight to justification.
2. Neglect Doesn’t Cause Cheating—Choices Do
Every relationship has its rough patches. People get busy, distracted, overwhelmed. Emotional distance happens. But not everyone cheats.
When someone steps outside the relationship, it’s not because they were “pushed.” It’s because they made a decision:
To stop communicating, stop trying, and start seeking elsewhere.
They could have spoken up.
They could have asked for counseling.
They could have left.
But instead, they cheated—and now they want you to believe it’s partly your fault.
3. They’re Hoping You’ll Apologize Instead of Holding Them Accountable
When a cheater says, “Maybe you should’ve paid more attention,” what they’re really hoping is that you’ll start apologizing. That you’ll look back and blame yourself. That you’ll focus on how “distant” or “busy” you were, instead of the boundary they broke.
But don’t take the bait.
There’s a difference between relationship problems and cheating problems.
The first is something two people can work on.
The second is a betrayal that one person chose to commit.
4. If They Were That Unhappy, They Should Have Left
Let’s say they were genuinely feeling neglected.
Fine. That happens.
But cheating isn’t a solution to neglect.
It’s a selfish escape from responsibility.
If they truly felt unseen, unheard, or unloved, they had every right to speak up—or walk away.
What they didn’t have was the right to betray you while still benefiting from being with you.
That’s not love. That’s entitlement.
5. You’re Not to Blame for How Someone Handles Their Discontent
In a healthy relationship, unmet needs spark a conversation. Not a secret affair.
Someone choosing to cheat says nothing about your worth—and everything about their character.
People with integrity don’t sneak around.
They speak up.
They show up.
Or they exit with honesty.
So when a cheater says, “Maybe you should’ve paid more attention,” you can say:
“Maybe you should’ve respected the relationship enough to talk to me instead of betraying me.”
Final Thought:
Cheaters will often rewrite the story to make themselves look like the victim. They’ll frame your distance, stress, or distraction as justification for their betrayal. But no matter how they spin it, cheating is a choice—not a consequence.
You’re allowed to have flaws. You’re allowed to be imperfect. You’re allowed to be human.
What you’re not responsible for—is someone else’s decision to lie, deceive, and betray.
Don’t carry shame that doesn’t belong to you.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 