The first time I heard the phrase “trading 80 for 20” was while watching the 2007 Tyler Perry film Why Did I Get Married?
The phrase is both poignant and illuminating as it speaks to what I think is a fundamental truth about human desire and a basic wisdom that many of us either unconsciously adopt or unconsciously disregard.
The film made this phrase somewhat popular, especially in Internet discussions boards about relationships. It is often couched as gentle reminder to appreciate what you have in your relationship.
However, let’s stop sugarcoating the point: trading 80 for 20 is exactly how most affairs start — and how most of them crash and burn.
You’ve got a partner who gives you 80% of what you need: loyalty, shared history, emotional support, someone who actually knows you.
But then you meet someone who gives you the missing 20% — more attention, more flirting, more sex, more excitement — and suddenly that 20% feels like the whole pie.
You convince yourself:
“Life is short, I deserve to be happy.”
“Maybe this new person is my soulmate.”
“My partner just doesn’t ‘get me’ anymore.”
That’s not romantic destiny talking — that’s dopamine and fantasy rewriting your reality.
Here’s what usually happens:
The thrill fades.
The 20% was never built for the long haul.
You miss the 80% you threw away.
The person you betrayed no longer trusts you (and neither does the new one).
You end up standing in the wreckage of both relationships, wondering how something that felt so right left you with so little.
Bottom line: Trading 80 for 20 isn’t “following your heart.” It’s burning down your house because someone else has a shinier porch light.
The grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because there is more manure there.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 