I preface this post by saying upfront that I lived what I am about to type. When I divorced my first wife, I fought for custody of my then 6-year old daughter. I was told by multiple people that my ex-wife would win custody because “the courts always favor the mother.”
I know this to be a myth based not just on the observable facts I articulate in this post, but based upon my personal experience.
That said…
For decades, one of the loudest complaints in divorce is: “The courts always give custody to the mom.” But is that actually true anymore—or is it a holdover from a different era?
Let’s examine…
1. The History vs. the Present
Once upon a time, yes—mothers were overwhelmingly favored. The “tender years doctrine” assumed children were better off with mom, especially when young. But that doctrine has been phased out for decades.
Courts today use the “best interests of the child” standard, not “mom by default.”
2. Fathers Who Don’t Even Try
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: many dads complaining about “bias” never actually petition for custody.
They settle, or they accept every-other-weekend because they don’t want the grind of daily parenting.
If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
3. Judges Look for Stability, Not Gender
Courts care about who shows up to school meetings, who has the stable home, and who provides structure. In many cases, mom does win—but not because she’s mom. It’s because she was doing 80% of the childcare already.
4. The Numbers Don’t Lie
Recent stats show more dads are winning joint or even primary custody than ever before. In fact, fathers who fight for custody win some or all of the time-sharing in nearly half of cases.
The “automatic mom win” story is outdated.
5. The Real Bias Is Subtle
It isn’t that courts always give kids to mom—it’s that culture still assumes women should be the default parent.
Judges, lawyers, and even the dads themselves walk in with those assumptions.
But legally?
The playing field is far more level now than people realize.
6. Excuse or Reality?
“The mother always gets the kids” is sometimes less about truth and more about a cop-out. It lets dads who don’t want the responsibility of full-time parenting save face by blaming the system instead of admitting they tapped out.
Closing Thought 💭
The myth isn’t that moms used to get custody more often—they did. The myth is that it’s still automatic.
In today’s courts, custody doesn’t go to mom by default. It goes to the parent who proves they can actually do the job.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 