This one is gonna sting for a few folks, because plenty of people have confused “romance” with “rent relief.” Plenty more have fallen prey to the folks who use romance as a means to escape homelessness.
Let’s examine…
They don’t want you. They want your couch, your WiFi, and your quiet lease agreement.
Ever wonder why someone “falls in love” with you suspiciously fast? Why they always “happen” to be between apartments or “going through something” financially?
Why they treat your place like a sanctuary and treat you like… the person attached to the keycode?
Congrats. 🎉 You might have caught yourself a hobosexual.
These are not partners. They are human hoodies. Soft, needy, and somehow always around.
The Hobosexual Starter Pack
• Love bombing with no future plans
• Six garbage bags instead of luggage
• A tragic life story that always involves “bad luck”
• Calls your place “home” before they buy you coffee
• No lease. No job stability. No pride in bringing something to the table
Their dating strategy is basically DoorDash for housing. Why build a life when you can borrow one?
Signs You Are Dating a Hobosexual
They moved in via toothbrush migration…
First the toothbrush.
Then the hoodie.
Next thing you know, half your pantry is gone and they never left.
They always “happen” to be between jobs and these “jobs” always sound like: “I’m about to start something big.”
Translation: “I am about to start your Netflix account and finish your groceries.”
Their money is always arriving “next week.”There is always some mysterious bank delay. A magical check. A business deal. A settlement…
Yet you have never seen their wallet, much less seeing it opened up with money in it ready to make a meaningful contribution to your household.
They turn affection into access…
“Babe, don’t kick me out when times are hard” is not romance. It is a squatter’s prayer.
Their dreams are huge. Their discipline is microscopic. Talks like a CEO. Wakes up like an unemployed toddler.
They treat your home like a studio set, creating a life show that they never cast you in. They move into your life and audition for the stability you provide but they never support through reciprocity.
As time and the “relationship” progresses, they start to resent your success.
At first they praise it.
Then they leech off it.
Then they envy it.
Then they sabotage it.
Hobosexual love arc in four acts.
Who is Most Vulnerable?
Women who crave companionship.
Men who crave being needed.
Both end up parenting a grown adult disguised as a partner.
And let’s keep it real…
Loneliness makes a lot of us gullible.
Everyone likes to feel chosen. Even if what chose you needed a warm bed and someone with electricity in their name.
The Hard Truth
If someone’s love arrives faster than their contribution, question it.
If they fell in love before they stood on their own two feet, be suspicious.
Love should not be treated like a housing voucher.
Better to be lonely in your clean apartment than trapped with a warm body who contributes nothing but laundry piles and emotional debt.
Closing Thought 💭
Stop letting people date you because the rent is too damn high.
Your home is not a shelter. Your heart is not a rehab program.
You deserve someone who stays because they love you.
Not because some degenerate loves your credit score and living arrangements more than they say they love you.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 