The Honest Truth Up Front
Let’s settle one of the hottest debates between the manosphere and feminism…
Yes, men should pay for the first date.
In fact, he should be willing and able to pay for all of the dates he goes on.
Not because women are helpless.
Not because of “traditional gender roles.”
Not because he’s simping.
But because the person who initiates the date should lead, set the tone, and demonstrate intention — and in heterosexual dating, that’s usually men.
Paying isn’t about buying affection (simping).
It’s about showing effort, clarity, and confidence.
But here’s the second half of the equation — equally important, rarely discussed…
Paying doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be used, milked, or treated like a walking wallet.
There’s a difference between generosity and gullibility.
Why Men Paying Works (When Done Right)
1. It Signals Intention
Paying for the date says…
“I’m here because I’m genuinely interested, not because I’m bored, lonely, or desperate.”
It communicates seriousness without being heavy-handed.
2. It Demonstrates You Have Your Life Together
A $15 coffee or a $40 dinner shouldn’t break you. If that seems expensive, you have bigger problems.
Nothing galls me more than watching videos or comments on social media posted by men complaining about women they took on dates who expected them to pay for an expensive meal or drink.
While I understand not wanting to come off as a simp by paying for a woman’s expensive meal or drink order, as a man, you should have been the one who dictated where the date took place to begin with.
If she balked at your choice of restaurant or venue because it signaled to her that you are “cheap,” then you should have cancelled the offer to date and cancelled her opportunity to date you in the future in the same moment.
Additionally, it’s a flex to be able to pay for anything on the menu or drink list wherever you take her.
I might add that nothing throws more shade on a woman taking advantage of you than paying for her overpriced meal and then never giving her the pleasure of your company again. Yet another flex…
Let’s be real here, McDonald’s or Starbucks aren’t exactly the ideal places to take a date, but then that depends entirely on the attitudes of the couple going on the date.
If Applebee’s or Olive Garden is what you can afford and she balks, that’s valuable insight into whom you are dealing with.
If she orders enough food to feed five people, that should tell you something you probably should have known before you took her out to dinner.
If she orders the most expensive thing on the menu or a top shelf drink offering, then that might signal anything about her from “she’s high-maintenance,” to “she’s a gold digger,” to “she’s got expensive tastes,” to “she can afford these things on her own, so she’s used to it.”
Feedback on the first few dates is invaluable. This is your time to properly vet a woman you might be serious about.
Only a low-value man complains about the cost of a date.
A man who pays by choice, not pressure, communicates his stability in a way she can feel.
3. It Sets a Tone of Leadership — Not Control
Leadership isn’t dominance. It’s direction.
It’s saying, “I planned this. I’ll take care of this. You don’t have to guess.”
Women appreciate this kind of clarity more than you realize.
But Here’s Where Men Go Wrong
Some men treat paying as:
-A performance.
-A negotiation.
-A strategy to earn something in return (transactional attitude).
Others pay out of fear…
-Fear she’ll judge them.
-Fear she’ll call them cheap.
-Fear she’ll leave.
Both paths lead to resentment.
You should pay because it aligns with your intentions, not your insecurities.
But you should also protect yourself from women who may see your generosity as an opportunity to exploit you.
The Line Between “Being a Gentleman” and “Being an ATM” Is Thinner Than You Think
Signs She Appreciates You — Not Your Wallet
-She offers to pay or split — even if you refuse.
-She says “thank you” sincerely.
-She shows effort in non-financial ways.
-She chooses reasonably priced places, or doesn’t turn her nose up at your choice of dating venues.
-She doesn’t treat the date like a transaction.
A woman who values you will never allow you to feel used.
Signs She’s Taking Advantage of You
-She picks expensive places “just because you’re paying.”
-She never offers to pay for any aspect of the date, ever.
-She never says thank you.
-She treats dates like a free meal tour.
-She texts you only when it’s time to meet again — and always at restaurants or bars.
-She withholds effort but expects your wallet to stay open.
If she’s showing zero investment (financial or emotional), you’re not dating…You’re funding her side quests.
That means she’s really not into you, just into what you can do for her.
That’s invaluable feedback…
The Balanced Rules That Keeps Men Sane
Pay for the first date without flinching or debate. You should be able to pay for any date you go on to begin with.
If there is a second date, not only should you pay for that date too, but you should take a deeper dive into evaluating her level of effort.
If there is a third date, decide upon your boundaries or be prepared to break contact. And yes, you should still pay for that date too.
By the third date, you should know:
-Does she show appreciation?
-Does she reciprocate in her own way?
-Does she add value besides being attractive?
-Does she treat you like a person, and not an ATM?
If the answer to any or all of these questions is “no,” stop investing — financially and emotionally.
I might add that it doesn’t necessarily take three dates to figure out if a woman is into you or just into your wallet. My point is that some people are very good at being on their best behavior on a first or second date. By the third date, most people relax and start showing you who they are.
A particularly egregious user will reveal themselves on the first date.
Women Who Are Truly Interested In You Will Always Contribute
Not necessarily with money. Not always equally. But with…
-thoughtfulness,
-time,
-emotional openness,
-planning ideas,
-small gestures,
-proactive effort.
Healthy dating isn’t 50/50.
It’s 100/100 in different “currencies.”
In other words, she doesn’t have to match your wallet. But she must match your effort.
Closing Thoughts 💭
Men should pay for dates — not because it’s tradition, but because it shows leadership, intention, and confidence.
But here’s the proper boundary line…
Pay because you want to, not because you’re afraid not to, and not out of a need to impress her with no reciprocation (simping).
And if she treats your generosity like she’s entitled to it?
Stop paying for dates.
Stop asking her out on dates.
Stop investing time, effort, and money into her.
A woman who values the man over his wallet will never exploit the gesture.
A woman who values the gesture (and wallet) more than the man was never interested in him to begin with.
Choose accordingly.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 