Preface: unlike my previous post on this topic, this post focuses on the mechanics, psychology, and relationship economics that make these types of affairs burn fast and die ugly.
With the preface out of the way…
Affairs where one party is “above” the other, typically socioeconomically, aren’t built on compatibility — they are built on escapism.
Affairs with “beneath” partners — the pool boy, the bartender, the younger coworker, the assistant, the clingy admirer, the unstable guy, the needy woman — all follow the same basic trajectory:
- They start hot.
- They burn fast.
- They collapse almost instantly.
And the fallout is humiliating…
Why?
Because downward affairs aren’t built on desire or destiny…
They’re built on emotional escapism and identity distortion.
Let’s break down why they inevitably fail.
1. The Affair Is Based on a Temporary Fantasy, Not Reality
People cheat “down” to become a version of themselves they can’t be at home:
- Freer
- Admired
- Reckless
- Dominant
- Desired
- Unburdened
- Uncomplicated
But that self is unsustainable.
You can’t build a real relationship on:
- Adrenaline
- Novelty
- Secrecy
- Ego inflation
- Immaturity
When real life eventually intrudes — schedules, responsibilities, bills, honesty — the fantasy evaporates.
Real you + real them = instant collapse.
2. The Affair Partner Isn’t Wanted — The Emotional Function They Serve Is What Is Desired
Here’s a brutal truth…
People cheat down because the affair partner provides a feeling, not a future.
She cheats with the pool boy because he gives her freedom and validation.
He cheats with the lower-value woman because she gives him admiration and ego repair.
Neither actually wants the person. They want the emotional state the person temporarily creates.
When the emotional high fades:
- The affair partner becomes ordinary
- Ordinary becomes disappointing
- Disappointment becomes resentment
The moment the “function” is no longer needed or desired, the relationship dies.
3. The Power Imbalance Becomes Repulsive Once the Affair Exits Fantasy Mode
Downward affairs rely on asymmetry…
She’s more successful than him.
He’s more established than her.
She’s more stable than him.
He’s higher-status than her.
This imbalance creates fantasy for the “lower-status” affair partner, and escapism for the “higher-status” partner.
But in a real relationship?
It creates resentment, neediness, and embarrassment.
She begins to feel motherly toward the pool boy.
He begins to feel superior and irritated with the unstable woman.
Both the pool boy and the woman affair partner inevitably feel patronized.
The same gap that made the affair exciting makes the reality untenable.
4. Neither Person Actually Wants to Replace Their Primary Partner
Downward affairs almost never become real relationships because she doesn’t want the kind of life the pool boy, personal trainer, or bartender is capable of providing.
She doesn’t want:
- His lower income
- His habits
- His instability
- His immaturity
- His limited worldview
He doesn’t want her likely fractured psychology.
He doesn’t want:
- Her neediness
- Her expectations (usually for “more,” since he is of higher status than her)
- Her demonstrated lack of boundaries
- Her emotional volatility
- Her dependency
They want:
- Escape, not partnership
- Validation, not commitment
- A break from reality, not a new reality with the affair partner
So when the fantasy threatens to become a full-time situation, both sides panic (often for opposite reasons) — and the affair collapses.
5. The Affair Can’t Survive in the Sunlight
Affairs thrive in:
- Secrecy
- Forbidden thrill
- Stolen moments
- Low expectations
- Often contrived/invented/curated personalities
The moment the affair becomes public or serious, it loses every advantage.
Downward affairs often die because:
- The secrecy starts being scrutinized, both between the affair partners and by the people closest to them, like the betrayed spouses/partners
- The fantasy becomes pressure
- Stolen moments become responsibility
- Excitement becomes obligation
Affairs require darkness to flourish. Real relationships thrive in daylight.
Downward affairs cannot survive in daylight.
Additionally, someone, usually the lower-status affair partner, always catches feelings, which only exacerbates the situation.
6. Once Real Life Enters, the Affair Partner Reveals Their Limitations (or catches feelings)
The pool boy is charming when he’s wet and shirtless.
He’s less charming when:
- He wants money
- He wants status elevation
- He wants legitimacy
- He wants lifestyle access
- He wants emotional labor
- He wants guidance
- He wants security
The lower-value woman is intoxicating when she’s worshiping the higher-value married man.
She’s less intoxicating when:
- She becomes clingy
- She becomes jealous
- She wants commitment
- She wants him to leave his wife
- She wants them to merge lives
The affair partner’s limitations — which were invisible or ignored within the fantasy — become the entire relationship once real life intrudes on the fantasy.
It collapses under the weight of the real human beings beneath the fantasy masks.
7. Downward Affairs End in Shame and Self-Disgust
At some point, the cheater sees the affair partner for who they actually are.
But worse, they see themselves as:
- Impulsive
- Reckless
- Emotionally childish
- Ego-driven
- Avoidant
- Escapist
The moment the epiphany of self-awareness hits, the affair goes from intoxicating to repulsive.
Downward cheating ends not because the affair partner becomes awful, but because the mirror the affair held up becomes too uncomfortable to look into.
Particularly for the cheater.
Shame often suffocates desire.
8. There Is No Path to Trust
If the cheater left a stable, high-value partner for a low-value affair partner:
- Trust is nonexistent
- Insecurity rules
- Jealousy consumes the relationship
- Status imbalance haunts every interaction
Even the affair partners know the truth:
“If they cheated with me, they would cheat on me.”
Fear destroys connection.
Suspicion destroys intimacy.
Paranoia destroys longevity.
Downward affairs die because no one trusts anyone — and everyone is right not to.
9. The Cheater Cannot Respect the Person They Cheated With
Respect dies for the same reason the affair began:
- A woman cannot respect the pool boy for being the man willing to sleep with a woman who is taken
- A man cannot respect the unstable woman who was willing to be the side piece
The exact traits that made the affair possible make respect within the relationship impossible. Which makes the relationship untenable over the long haul.
In upward affairs, people might be able to imagine a future with the person they are cheating with.
In downward affairs, everyone knows:
“I would never build a life with someone who helped me destroy my integrity.”
THE BOTTOM LINE
Downward affairs collapse because they were never relationships to begin with.
They were:
- Coping mechanisms
- Ego bandages
- Identity escapism
- Fantasy portals
- Self-soothing rituals
The affair partner wasn’t “better.”
They were:
- Convenient
- Easy
- Flattering
- Temporary
- Unrealistic
When the fantasy fades and reality arrives, the structure fails instantly.
Downward affairs collapse because they cannot survive the weight of reality.
Something to strongly consider before starting such an affair, or any affair, for that matter.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 