If you feel like you’re working for love while someone else gets it for free—you’re not insecure.
You’re being strategically tolerated.
I’ve posted about the dual-mating strategy on this blog many times in the recent past.
To recapitulate what this strategy entails, some men and women a want BOTH a “safe and secure” mate as a primary partner and a more “exciting” secondary mate, or “side piece.”
The point of this post is not to reiterate previous points I’ve made on this subject, but to point out how prevalent the use of this strategy is.
Dual-mating isn’t rare.
It’s just rarely admitted to or acknowledged by people.
The implementation of this strategy by people is probably the biggest driver of infidelity in long-term relationships.
🚹 HIS: She Didn’t Pick You—She Parked You
You’re not her fantasy.
You’re her backup plan with benefits.
1. She settled for you emotionally—while fantasizing sexually about other men
You give her peace.
Someone else gives her butterflies.
Therein lies the problem.
2. Sex feels like a favor
If intimacy feels like a chore, it’s because desire lives somewhere else.
3. She calls you “safe” like it’s a compliment, but it’s not a compliment
“Safe” is what women who see you as unexciting, but stable and predictable say when any attraction they may have initially had for you has been effectively replaced by convenience.
The only attraction she has for you now is her belief that you will always be her “safe space” while she gets her thrills with someone she has more “passionate chemistry” (chaos, actually) with.
4. Her past men were “toxic”—yet unforgettable
Funny how the worst men always made the strongest impressions on her.
5. She guards her phone like it contains state secrets
Privacy is quiet.
Secrecy is defensive.
6. She mocks the passion you have for her as “immature”
Until another man triggers it (“it” meaning the chaos she’s accustomed to) in her, and suddenly it’s “just chemistry.”
Only it’s chemistry she has with the side dude, not with you.
7. You pay in effort while another man gets her passionate/exciting side
You fund the lifestyle she enjoys at home.
The side dude she finds more thrilling fulfills the fantasy in her head.
Oftentimes, you get to fund her side dude fantasy service as well as her lifestyle with you, only you don’t get the side of her you likely prefer to enjoy.
That’s reserved for the side dude.
8. She delays commitment but cashes in the stability checks you provide
Marriage talk? Slow down.
Your resources? Hurry up.
9. She rewrites history to justify choosing you
Not because you were her best option —because you were available to be used as a resource.
She gives you just enough affection to keep you distracted and on the hook to continue funding her comfortable lifestyle with you, while she has her fun with the side dude.
You are not the man she wants beyond your ability to keep her from having to rely on her unreliable side dude.
She gets to have her cake and eat it too as long as you don’t catch on that she really doesn’t love or respect you.
10. You feel tolerated, not desired
And the fact you’re reading this proves you know it.
🚺 HERS: He Didn’t Choose You—He Categorized You
You’re not “the one.”
You’re the reliable option while he samples the rest of the menu.
1. He calls you “wife material” while acting single
Translation: “You’re good enough to build with—but not exciting enough to stop wandering.”
Not to be crude, but men who exercise the dual-mating strategy can be summed up by the phrase, “men want a wife at home and a hoe on the street.”
2. He demands loyalty he hasn’t earned
Your exclusivity and loyalty are expected.
His exclusivity and loyalty are optional.
3. He keeps the relationship undefined
Because labels cost him his leverage over you and the side chick.
4. He’s emotionally unavailable but sexually curious
Depth is reserved for no one.
Novelty is shared with everyone.
5. He frames cheating as a natural function of male biology
Accountability is apparently unmanly now. 🙄
6. He invests his time—but not his future
If his “plans” for you never move forward, it’s because you’re not the destination he has planned for himself.
7. He says you’re “different” every time you complain
Words are cheap.
Patterns are honest.
This phrase is just his way of deflecting when you question his true intentions.
8. He calls boundaries “control”
Because they interfere with his ability to exercise options he shouldn’t want to exercise if he were truly committed to you beyond being his “safe space.”
9. You never fully enter his world
You’re kept separate so you can be replaced quietly. Eventually.
10. You feel safe—but he sees you as replaceable
That’s not love.
That’s storage.
You’re just a safe harbor that provides the things the side chick is incapable of providing.
💣 THE PART EVERYONE HATES (Because It’s True)
Dual-mating survives on cowardice.
Cowardice to:
- Fully choose one person
- Integrate desire with responsibility
- Risk boredom instead of chasing validation
- Be honest about attraction fading
So instead, people split the roles:
One person = structure, safety, loyalty
Others = excitement, ego, lust
And then they blame:
- Trauma
- Biology
- The dating market
- Their partner for “not being enough”
⚠️ IF THIS POST OFFENDS YOU…
Ask yourself why.
People running the dual-mating strategy hate being called out on their behavior —because exposure collapses their leverage.
🛑 WHAT TO DO IF YOU FIND YOU ARE SOMEONE’S “SAFE OPTION”
- Stop auditioning for desire with people who show they are not genuinely invested in you
- Withdraw your excess effort
- Demand clarity that costs them something
- Watch what they do when the comfort you provide is removed
- Leave the moment you see that you are just playing a supporting role in their life, not a conscious choice they are truly committed to.
You cannot negotiate for genuine desire.
You can only walk away from situations where genuine desire is absent.
Closing Thoughts 💭
If you’re providing stability to your partner or spouse while someone else provides your partner or spouse with excitement, you’re not being loved—you’re being used.
Nobody cheats because their partner is bad. They cheat because they’re greedy or afraid.
If commitment feels like pressure to them, it’s because you were never the prize.
Being someone’s “safe option” isn’t romantic. It’s a warning sign that you are only a means to an end and someone else is getting the best part of them while you’re giving them the best part of yourself.
That’s an extremely unfair exchange.
-The Rational Ram
The Rational Ram 